it..

it...It follows green and preceeds orange.It is visible in the dead nature and the skin of the girl ready to be crucified in rural india.It can sometimes be regarded as gloomy or a signal of ennui,yet can be an indication of prosperity for the country folks.It is not very distinct,yet one of its kind,open to all sorts of subjectified analyses.It,kind of,lacks an identity and subtle variations tend to deviate the original feelings one associates with it.It is like me,going with the flow,not a revolutionary,not a peasent,still imbibes features from both.It's better than me,atleast it doesnt have an archive.I am obssessed with my archive.I will try not to deviate the flow towards a usually boring introspective description ,but i can only try.So coming back to it.I can't see any object of it,while i am writing this.This makes it a little harder,considering my limited ability in 'wordifying' my further restricted imagination/cognition.People say I am modest,often i feel a hidden pride in being modest.What a dilemma,to be or not to be!People say 'it' is bad as it is often associated with the dead,dead humans specifically.I dont know,for me it's too versatile to be categorised so rudely.Death can also be of 2 types..burning out and fading away.For Cobain the former was the better.Ordinary mortals like me are content in something like a fag
a day and that particular action is exhilirating enough for me to make me last a life time.

How do u think about a thing?You look at something else and u think about that thing. I can't do it,as after sometime i start thinking about the thing at which i m looking.This is a major drawback.Again,i write down the name of the thing and start looking at it.This time,by sheer bad luck,i was writing with a gel pen on white paper,so the ink started to shine,so i had to change the inclination between my head and neck.I then looked at what i had written.After sometime my head started aching because of the angle.Yet again,the thinking deviated.I am no more than a monkey.Look at apples,think about eating;look at women,think about sex;look at money,say yes;look at pain,say no;look at things which i understand,say something;look at things which are incoherent for me,say nothing.Again,fuckin' proud in being modest.
There was a time,a long time back,perhaps when i was 14 or 15 years old,when i tried to kill my ego,get rid of it somehow.Back then,i thought that if this task is accomplished,i would be able to get rid of most of my problems.At than teen age,most of the problems were related to the emotional interpretation of,and reaction towards what all was happenning around me.Brother beat me up,get angry;parents said something,get depressed;teachers praise you,get extremely happy;my best friend got a girlfriend,get jealous;a girl reacts strangely towards me,get
thinking.React,retaliate,shout,eplode..eventually burn away.I hated this rollercoaster of emotions,not because of the extreme changes in the gradient,more because of the suddenness of all of it,the temporary,fragile nature of everything.It was like as if there is no identity,no
soul,everything becomes so much externally driven.I became a robot reacting to stimuli.So,i thought that perhaps if i am somehow able to get rid of my ego(not eactly ego....but something very close to it),then i wont react,become sorta numb,eventually be happy forever-attain a state of nirvana.Like Lord Mahavira,like Lord Anudeep.But all those ideas slowly faded away with the passage of time.Mostly the physical pleasures(usually discovered at that age) brought me back into this world,with its never ending joys and i have been enjoying since then.'It' is like
this joy.Joyous,yet so fragile,yet so hollow,yet so sad.I like Gwyneth Paltrow.I would have loved to get married to her.But the man who was lucky enough to do the honours,sung the following lines about
'it'...
And your skin,oh yeah your skin and bones
turn into something beautiful
Do you know?
You know i love you so..
You know i love you so..
I swam across,I jumped to cross for you
Oh,what a thing to do
Because u were all YELLOW.