Sunday, February 26, 2006

quench my thirst,
oh yeah,quench it baby
been waiting too long
been expecting this to happen
let the flow begin
breath in me
wont u light my way
wont u be my fairytale
wont u return what i gave u
been a slave for u for so long
now its payback time babe
dont remind me of ur virtues
heard enough of them
its payback time baby
quench my thirst,
oh yeah,quench it baby

Friday, February 17, 2006

Valentine's Day Special..

Excerpts from an article(Herbert Stein from Slate) from RD-Jan'2000

'The Bible says, "And the Lord God said : 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" And so, "made he a woman." It doesnt say that he made a pretty or a witty woman, or of any kind-of-adjective woman.He made the basic woman.

Why is this basic woman so valuable to man? Three things:First, she is a warm body in bed. I dont refer to sexual acitivity.That is important.But I referto something that is, if possible, even more primitive:human contact.A baby crying in its crib doesnt want conversation or a gold ring.He wants to be held and patted.Adults need that physical contact also.They need to cuddle togther for warmth and comfortin an indifferent or cold world.The plain woman and the plain man do that for each other.
But conversation is also important.There are couples who have been married for thirty years and they have been talking to each other for that long.One might think that they have nothing left to say,But still they can talk to each other in ways they can't talk to anyone else.He can tell her of something good he has done without fearing she will think he is bragging.He can count on her interest and understanding.The primary purpose of this conversation is not to convey information.Its purpose is to say."I am here and i know that you are here."
Third the woman serves the man's need to be needed.If no one needs you,what good are you? Other people-employers,students, readers - may say they need you.But in such relationships you are replacable at some price.To this woman you are not replacable at any price.That gives you the self esteem to meet the world every day.
So this "ordinary woman"-one like million others in the world-has great value to this man.And while I have written this views from a man's point of view, I dont think the relationship is one-sided.On the sure, I am sure that it is reciprocal.'

Saturday, February 11, 2006

A Lesson in Theorizing

Sorrow in itself is a neutral state. From all his observations which the author has made with the help of his sense experiences in this natural world, he makes two postulates. First that sorrow is inversely proportional to the mental distance at which one is from that sorrow. Secondly the gradient of sorrow with respect to time is directly proportional to the pain which one feels. Both these are pseudo-rational-quasi-emprirical observations which the author has made and some examples will be given to further elaborate these points. One more thing, here sorrow refers to what lies out there waiting for you to grab it, and pain is what you get, when you grab it; along with the standard definitons which exist and can be looked upon in any Oxford.
So coming back to the first postulate, sorrow being inversely proportional to the mental distance between the perceiver and the sorrow. A dog or a man might be dying outside one's door, but for him/her, if he/she is not aware of it, there is no sorrow there, because practically the mental distance between the two things is so huge, that sorrow boils down to zero. A person reading this article will again be unable to perceive the sorrow which the author might have been facing which forced him to write such an article, again because of the huge distance. When the distance is less the sorrow is more, when the distance is huge, the sorrow is less. Again, this is just an idealization; the actual mathematical relationship would be too difficult to even think of. Also one must not confuse this with the ordinary day-to-day usage of this word, exclaiming that he/she doesn’t feels anything even when there are so many terrible things(with a non-zero magnitude of sorrow) happening around them. Sorrow is not what one feels, pain is the feeling part, sorrow lies there outside with a magnitude depending upon the distance.
Coming to the second postulate, regarding the gradient of sorrow and pain. This is pretty obvious. For a person dying out of hunger in Somalia, one didn’t feel any pain, whatsoever just before he/she read this line, and now after reading this there might be some magnitude of pain. Why has this happened? Initially when the distance was large(initial time moment), the magnitude of sorrow was less, when the distance became less(final time moment) because of one's mental awareness shifting towards Somalia, the magnitude increased. Hence, there is a gradient {(SORROW*final-SORROW*initial) / (change in time)}, which results in pain. One might say at this point, that we can directly say that pain is simply proportional to the final magnitude of sorrow. This point can be explained in the following manner. We multiply the denominator and the numerator of the given gradient by (change in distance), what we get is

{(SORROW*final-SORROW*initial) / (change in distance)} *** {(change in distance) / (change in time)}

*** stands for multiplication.

Now the second term here is the mental velocity (if we suppose the existence of such a term). Now for a given value of initial and final sorrows and the distance being fixed by external circumstances we can say that pain become proportional to the mental velocity. Now this may appear counter-intuitive at first, because if asked to think one would usually say that thinking for a long time gives more pain{(contemplation)(less mental velocity)} and quick jumps of the mind from here to there{(Somalia for one instant, Palestine for other)(high mental velocity)} gives us less pain. But what actually happens is that when one sits for a while and thinks slowly, one can find the reasons for sorrows, and that’s when the magnitude of sorrow decreases(this is because of some other factors which were not included in the earlier equation for sorrow). The author, here has no intention to say that all sorrows present in the world can be justified, but still one can find answers, if one wants to find answers. Again, when one jumps at sorrows quickly or directly(high mental velocity) , the magnitude of pain is bound to be more.So, the second postulate is more-or-less correct considering some exceptions and idealizations of course.
The point of theorizing all this is stated next. Consider an individual X. That person X is surrounded by a circle of sorrows(Remember that circle here is only an idealization, because if we assume its a circle, then from the first postulate, the magnitude of all sorrows must be same, which is not necessarily true, so we can say its rather a closed figure with an idealization as a circle).As long as the person is at the centre of the circle of sorrows, he/she doesn’t feel any pain whatsoever, the pain arises only when he/she tries to move in the circle as if trying to cross over that circle. When X is at the centre; all the sorrows acting on him/her from all sides, balance each other. As soon as X changes his position , the magnitude of the various sorrows changes(first postulate), due to which there is a gradient, and due to which there is pain(second postulate).Imagine a heretic, who lives in the centre of the community which has declared him a heretic. Suppose that the person doesn’t wishes to be so, rather its because fate has made him a pawn in its hands. As long as the person lives in his home, remain confined to his own world, there is no pain. He is happy with whatever he is doing; nothing bothers him. Its only when he moves out, when he sees the outside world then the equilibrium is disturbed, hence pain.
Another situation can be when a segment of that circle breaks, i.e. somehow a part of the circle goes missing. In such a case, there will be an inherent tendency to run away from such a static circle, but that would again result in a lot of pain. So another possibility props up, thereby stating that if somehow the person involved is able to reconstruct that part, then the state of equilibrium would be attained. That is the stage when we start looking around, searching for sorrows, get some novel ones, manufacture artificial ones, borrow somebody else's or take the sufferings of the entire human race as an excuse. So that, once again the circle is complete.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Language

Everything's a delusion
Personified illusion
Out on the road to heaven,
i've become a stranger to myself
There once was a time,
when myself seemed to be the only self
There is a time,
when language is reigning over all selves
For everything there is,
i wanna strangle myself
For everything that could've been
i wanna let myself survive
End this reign of language
I want to get out of this state of perpetual doubt
Say it.Walk out.End it.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Autumn forever

Autumn forever
Inside me
Outside me
Leaves abound, dried not yet dead
Feelings abound, dried not yet dead
Like a dog without a bone
Like a wind without a flow
Like a fly without a light
I exist, only exist.
The unflowing wind prevails
The sadness prevails
Reservoir of hope getting exhausted
Still me forcing me to be happy
Is it the end?

A walk to remember

It was one of the normal evenings. Life in suburbs is always phlegmatic, easy going and placid. Bovine creatures and bovine humans lived in that sparsely populated area. I was walking down the street, on one of my normal walks. There is no better way to get rid of the morbid day-dreaming which i do in front of an open book at home, then to just say that u need fresh air and walk out. People think of these walks as a easy method to stay healthy and live a long gay life. I used to think of them as the only recluse to which i have an access during my stay at home, when i can go and get my usual dose of one cigg. a walk. Two cigg.'s a day, keeps a doctor away. So, there i was walking randomly, humming my favorite tone, following the criss-cross of roads, one turn here, one turn there, just to avoid surveillance, if there was any. I trust my pre-conceived notions of counter-surveillance which have been formed by watching innumerable pacino-de niro-spacey flicks. Whenever i turn, i turn suddenly throwing a quick glance at the street through which i had just been walking. Follow a new pattern of roads everyday, bye fags from different shops and take proper precautions afterwards(pepsi+ samosa+ chutki) to make sure that your parents believe that you are still their little kid. So much for security.

As i kept walking, i saw my favorite shop from a distance, some kids standing there for candy, other grownups enjoying puffs or tobacco, discussing everything from politics to polio. The kids were quite happy, as they usually are during a festive season. It seemed as if they came from the house next to the shop because they were constantly looking in that direction as if checking that no-one comes out of the home and catches them buying candy. I got there and asked the shopkeeper, who as always had this "I know your parents don know this and dont like this" look on his face, for a cigg. The kids were looking at me.I noticed the dancing emotions at the kids face by throwing a slight glance. First the expression was normal, as if ignoring, then it changed to a mixture of interest and "mommy says its bad" as i asked for the cigg. , finally ignoring everything and coming back to his own demand of candy. The shopkeeper took an obvious delight in completing my request before that of the kids, probably because of my seniority, or maybe because i was an old customer(who always bought a pepsi there, which is obviously of greater benefit to him than the 4 cent candy).Meanwhile the kids kept on urging for their stuff. There was a little noise coming from the house next door, the house to which the kids probably belonged, as if some religious proceedings were going on there. Suddenly among all these happenings, there were some footsteps from the house as if someone was coming to the main gate. One of the kids ran towards the door, looked from some distance and shouted to his partner to hurry up as his elder sister was coming out. The kid started pleading in front of the shopkeeper to give him the candy first. The shopkeeper, though was unperturbed and was slowly taking out one cigg. from a pack of wills. The footsteps were becoming louder, the unseen danger was coming closer, the kids kept on urging for their candy, one was almost on the verge of crying in front of the complacent shopkeeper to quickly give him what he wanted so that he wasn’t caught in the act. It was at this point that something struck me. For one moment, the whole world started revolving around me. I was on a stage in the centre of a stadium with all the flood-lights focused on me and everything just kept on rotating. The sound of the footsteps was becoming louder and louder, my heart was racing faster and faster, for one moment i was looking at the kid's face and then on the door behind which lurked the impending danger. The danger, about which i always knew, it wasn't as if i was gonna die, it was as if i was losing me. The sound kept on increasing, the kids kept on crying, the shopkeeper placed the cigg in front of me, but where was i. I cant recall it now. I took the cigg. with trembling hands and with a heart that was trying to burst out, placed it between my lips, and asked for matches. My ears were burning with the mixed cries coming from both the sides, the sounds of the impending catastrophe and the muffled cries of a dying hound pleading for life.I asked for the matches again. The shopkeeper finally handed the candy to the kids and just at that moment, the kid's sister came out. The kid hastily put the candy in his pocket and walked towards his sister who was unable to see the candy, and quite amiably they went inside. I had become totally numb by then. From buying candy that way to buying cigg.'s this way, i had come a long way. But still the fear remained the same. The adventure, the adrenaline flow hasn’t diminished even one bit and again it comes at its own price. I asked for the matches again.

By that time the shopkeeper was looking curiously at me and then i realized that i had asked for the matches three times when it was lying there just in front of me. I somehow lighted the cigg. and walked away. The entire event and the nicotinous smoke in my lungs after a gap of one full day made me walk in an unsteady manner. I wasn’t able to hear any sound, or feel the road, as i walked till the end of the road, as the entire events kept on banging on my mind board. The ground was wet, or so i thought, because i couldn’t hear my slippers striking the gravel. I took 2 or 3 puffs and then eventually realized that the ground wasn’t wet, it hadn’t rained for the past month and the road was thoroughly dry. Seems like it rained for me only. I walked on and on until i reached my pet sweet shop where i bought a pepsi. The chilling liquid and the smoke steadied me down. It was only then that i realized that i had walked almost 3 kms in that state of lucid dream. I cudnt hear anything, just kept looking at the ground, it was a desert, with vast mounds of sand around me, with nobody to be seen. Crippled by the vastness, i somehow managed to walk and reach my destination.

I finally got home, drank some water and sat once again in front of the open book. A smile slowly curled on my lips when i recalled the incident, the thief inside me so close to being caught red handed.